Two and a half years ago I moved to Florida to work at my mom and stepdad’s business because after my little brother died, mom said, “You mentioned wanting to move east,” and at the time it felt like what the universe was lining up for me. As you probably know, one of the main pieces of advice you get when dealing with grief is, “Don’t make any big life decisions.”

So, naturally, I made a massive one and moved halfway across the country to a state I never wanted to live in to do a job that I asked basically zero questions about.

I’ve spent a lot of the last two and a half years wondering if that was the wrong decision. I did get to be closer to my family as intended, but like I said before, I never wanted to live in Florida. I think Florida is a great place to visit, especially in winter (but also I really enjoy actual winter!). But living here full time is miserable. I don’t like being hot, I don’t like the sun, I hate that 90% of the time you’re either sweltering (outside) or freezing (inside with aircon), I don’t like the bugs, and the overall political climate scares me as a queer, single woman who wants to be childless.

I’ve struggled with the work culture, which is basically the opposite of what I’d grown used to and comfortable with at UVU. On top of navigating my first major experience with grief—maybe because of? I’m not sure—I’ve been grappling with 4o approaching. I’ve never particularly felt one way or the other about getting older at any of my previous birthdays, but in the last few years I’ve been really cognizant of the fact that I’m starting to “age out” of so many things.

For instance, one of the things that has been bringing me joy is the Kpop group Stray Kids and it’s something I feel really self-conscious about. Am I creepy? I don’t want to be creepy. I don’t think I’m creepy. I know I’m not the only person my age who enjoys their music and let’s be so fucking for real right now—looking at them, because they’re all beautiful human beings. And they’re all adults! If I have a teeny bopper crush on some musicians in an industry that’s basically built on kindling and stoking that type of thing, then there’s nothing wrong with that.

I’d also reached a point where I thought maybe a romantic relationship wasn’t a thing I really wanted anymore. My friends from high school can tell you how unhinged I was about wanting a romantic relationship then. But after college that seemed to quiet down and I haven’t really yearned for it the way I used to in a long time until I started reading a story this year and I was reminded that oh I do want that, I want it very badly, and of course that has brought up some really difficult feelings, because I’m aging out of the period where most people find that. I’ve also been having some weird feelings about not being the age of most romantic couples in media which I don’t even really understand given I think Robert Downey Jr. and Bang Chan are both hot, but I don’t know. I guess that’s less about finding someone attractive to me and more just the knowledge that my youth is ending. The Substancekind of stuff. It’s hard to want to grow old when youth is the part of life that’s visibly and loudly celebrated.

I’m feeling self-conscious even writing this because it feels like I should explain more and try to prove how I’m not weird or creepy, I’m just a normal lady going through normal stuff and feeling normal things. It’s hard to feel normal when I’ve never seen a love story involving someone like me. When there are people who will think I’m a creep for liking Stray Kids. Pretty soon I will be a 40-year-old virgin and unlike in that movie, I don’t particularly want that to change! I just want a companion, someone I can kiss and cuddle with and wade through life with. I want a romantic relationship, but it seems even more unlikely than ever.

It feels a bit like I’ve crammed several existential crises into the last few years. And, to be fair, I don’t think that would be different if I were still in Utah. My little brother, who was supposed to be around until we both got old and lost our parents together, would still be gone. One of the best bosses I ever had would still be somewhere else. I would still be turning 40 next year. So the struggle of the last two and half years would plausibly still have happened even if I had taken the popular advice and not made a huge life decision while still deep in grief. It might have made it a tiny bit better though. So take the popular advice.

Or don’t!

Has there ever been a time when you did the opposite of what everyone/everything told you you should do?